BY BEV OWEN
FEW WEEKS AGO MY HUSBAND and I attended a workshop that dealt with some of the challenges our church faces in ministering to the ever-evolving structure of the church “family.” No longer is our church made up of Mr. and Mrs. John Doe, living in the suburbs with 2.3 children and a dog and cat. It was reported in this meeting that 62 percent of our population is a part of a single-parent household or will be at some point in their life. Whether this would be an accurate reflection of our church’s demographics I don’t know, but it did give me something to think about.
To get a clearer understanding of the challenges of single parents, I spoke with some Christian acquaintances outside of our church and with several in our church. Although each situation is unique, there is a common thread that runs throughout—single parents feel excluded. This exclusion comes from many directions. Sometimes it’s a result of financial restraints that keep the children of single-parent homes from participating in activities that their friends can afford; sometimes it’s because one parent cannot physically get their children everywhere they want to be. But sadly, many times single parents feel left out because we, as a church, do not think about including them.
It’s my hope that this article will raise an awareness of the needs of single parents. But beyond this, let’s think about what we can do to help. Here are some things that were suggested:
1. “Invite me to your home.” “I just don’t get invited to people’s homes,” stated one parent. “Couples like to do things with other couples. They have something in common. To invite a single person with children to a function with other couples kind of messes things up.” Another parent stated, “I would just love to be invited to someone’s home for a meal. I guess some people think I would feel uncomfortable being around other couples, but I wouldn’t. In an effort to keep me from feeling different, people don’t invite me. But that causes me to feel left out.”
2. “Take my child(ren) shopping for special events.” Think about it—in a two-parent household the father usually takes the children out shopping for Mother’s Day, or the mother takes the children out for Father’s Day, to find something special for Mommy or Daddy. This doesn’t happen with single parents. As one mother told me: “For years I went without a Mother’s Day gift because my child was too young to go out on her own to buy something.” These children need an opportunity to shop for special days, and they may need some money. How about taking a child with you to the mall and letting them choose something special for their parent? We cannot assume that this is being done by the noncustodial parent. And some children do not have another parent actively participating in their life.
3. “Think about the gender roles and offer to step in for me.” As one mother said: “There are a lot of sports I can’t teach my boys. I can’t participate the way I would like to. So when an older boy or man takes the time to play with my boys I really appreciate it.” Likewise, a caring woman could help out with the father-daughter family.
4. “Offer to baby-sit.” Single parents cannot attend some events if baby-sitting is not provided. And since financial resources are a concern, they may not be able to afford baby-sitting services very often. Once again, this leads to a feeling of being excluded.
5. “Offer transportation.” Let’s face it, there’s only one parent. Even in a two-parent household it becomes difficult to handle all the hectic activities associated with children. Imagine the overwhelming feelings of being a single parent who simply cannot be everywhere they want to be. That means the children are—yes, here we go again—excluded because they cannot attend events with their friends. Many parents told me that there were church members who did a great job of providing transportation for their children. As one mother said: “These women are angels. I couldn’t do it without them.”
6. “Be my child’s companion for ‘uncomfortable’ events.” I once served as the “mother” for a teenager at a mother-daughter banquet because her mother was not active in her life. My husband recently accompanied a small child to his preschool “Donuts With Daddy” day. These are hurtful times for the children. Although we may not always be aware of these situations, be sensitive when you do receive information. Is a father-son campout being planned? Think about the boys who may not have a father to accompany them, and then volunteer.
Certainly there are many more ways to help, but this is a beginning. We must be aware of the challenges facing single parents today and then be sensitive and responsive to those needs. Gary Collins, in the book Family Shock, states, “Every congregation is different, except for this: In the body of Christ we are all equals, regardless of our family status (Gal. 3:28). Single people might not experience the same family shocks that married couples encounter, but we all need support, mutual encouragement, and opportunities to serve God’s family.”
Many single parents feel excluded because we—as a church—do not think of including them.
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Bev Owen is director of Public Relations at Emory Adventist Hospital in Smyrna, Georgia.
